Parfait Glacé

If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to never get attached to someone. If I knew that before, I wouldn't suffer this much. But things are already settled, all I can do now is to reflect on my mistakes. Afterall, people are so temporary. Despite on how they won't last long, it's just a nature of human to chase them. When there are threads that link them emotionally we will automatically tied with them, aren't we? But sometimes, it become toxic. Spending time with someone thinking they will stay by your side forever is the worst mistake I've ever did. Do I ever think about how will I live my life without him? No, I wasn't prepared enough.

That time when finally I can let him go, I believe that it was the bravest move I've ever did. The first two months, things are so overwhelmed. I met a lot of people and they shower me with affections. Though they leave me after that, I perfectly understand how people is just come and go, and I'm okay with that. But the next months I feel so empty despite the over enjoyment I got. I stop chasing people, things shouln't go this way, that's how my heart said. That was the moment I realized that I just pretend that everything was fine. All of the fake happiness from temporary people make me even emptier. I don't know what I really want. I was drown with my mind.

Things are getting worse when those memories of him suddenly hit me hard. Life is such a two sides of coin, it has both good and bad memories. It's sucks when I remember how he treats me like a princess but then dump me like a piece of trash. It's really sucks. Why can't we just strolling around the city tasting all the best dessert again? Why can't we just sat there and nonstop talking about our favorite series? Am I allowed to cry on your shoulder again, no? Why? Just why we can't do things as before? Then I asked myself again, all the bad things he does, was it worthwhile? Damn man why can't I just live with 100% happiness? Why I must suffer? I broke down. I cried. I can't think. I ran from my responsibilities. I can't do things like how I used to. I want to vent. It affect me that much.

No matter how deppresed I am, life is still going on. I can't live like this, I can't disappoint my surrounding. I need to get over this, but I don't think I can heal this wound. They said time will heal, but until when? Some said, memories aren't meant to be forgotten. I need to live my life saying "Yeah, I was used to did that with him" with the broadest smile. I think that's the hardest pill I need to swallow to heal this wound. But how much it takes until I'm fully healed?

Oktober 05, 2021 No komentar

Jujur ini bingung banget mau mulai darimana karena nih yang lagi di otak udah kayak benang kusut. Dan pasti kalo gue tulis hasilnya bakal ngelantur kemana-mana. Tapi ini hati mau berontak rasanya kalo ga cepet-cepet gue tulis😭 Mau ngapa-ngapain juga gabisa fokus kalo kepikiran mulu kan. So yeah..

Belakangan ini 1-2 mingguan keknya ya entah kenapa gue bingung sama diri sendiri. Melin yang gue jalanin selama ini selalu paham with what she want and she'll try to reach it. Tapi kali ini gue berasa lontang-lantung banget kayak gapunya tujuan. Bener-bener let it flow semua. I really hate that feeling, kek kehilangan semangat gitu loh. Emang sih ga selamanya gue bakal strive hard for something, ada kalanya buat istirahat. Tapi yang kali ini tuh rasanya gue gapunya sesuatu yang harus diperjuangin???

Klise, tapi yang bakal gue bacotin disini emang perihal hati. Kalo things to do in general tentu goals gue banyak, tanggungan masih seabrek. The problem is, masalah hati ini ngeganggu kerjaan-kerjaan gue. This heart is empty yet feels so heavy. Ini gue gangerti kenapa bisa sebodoh ini, gue masih kontakan sama mantan. Kenapa gue sedesperate itu. No, i'm not into him, it's just he still feels like a bestfriend for me. Gue masih gabisa ngilangin kebiasaan sewaktu pacaran. Tapi gue ga gagal move on. Tapi i still chase him??? Gimana sih ya Allah sumpah gue bingung. Tapi sebenernya juga ga sedesperate itu sih, i mean kalo dia gabales chat ya gabakal gue spam. Cuman tetep aja kek orang tolol. Idk how to cope with this, should i delete his contact????

Oke next problem. Gue ngeblokir beberapa orang yang sempet deket sama gue. Kenapa diblokir?? Karena mereka udah gue masukin ke ranah real life gue but they leave me. Lah trus masalahnya dimana? If you gonna leave me then do it properly gitu loh. Gue kek males banget dengan fakta lo liat gue fafifu wasweswos tapi never reach me again. Berasa dicuekin tau nggak?? Kalau emang mau pergi ya pergi aja, i won't hold you. Kalo perlu mah blokir aja gue duluan. Udah semati rasa itu gue. Karena gue sendiri juga paham kok semua orang ga ada kewajiban to set themself on fire to keep other people warm. If you wanna leave, the exit door is open widely. Gue sempet ceritain problem itu ke temen gue but somehow gue malah dikatain baper dong😭 Gue mikir juga akhirnya, lah iya juga sih bisa aja gue dianggep baper padahal sebenernya ga gitu beb. Tapi yaudah deh gue jadiin pelajaran aja biar ga semudah itu masukin orang ke real life gue.

Nah kalo gue gabungin kedua problem diatas, sebenernya hati gue maunya apa sih? Kek bercabang-cabang gitu loh. Sebenernya pengen diisi apa??? Masih kosong tapi kerasa berat banget dijalaninnya.

September 09, 2021 No komentar

Finally gue nulis lanjutan series dream yang sempet mangkrak hampir 2 tahun wkwkw. Di series sebelumnya ada yang pake bahasa inggris ada yang bahasa indonesia, tapi kali ini gue mau pake bahasa indonesia non-formal aja deh. Ini series tujuannya emang buat nulis perjalanan gue mostly selama kuliah, dari mulai awal berjuang sampe sekarang juga masih berjuang sih T-T. Kenapa gue tulis checkpoint sebagai judul tulisan ini? Kalo di game tuh checkpoint itu titik dimana lo bisa nyimpen progress lo, misal lo mati nih, respawn-nya ya di titik itu. Dan pasti seneng lah ya kalo dah nyampe checkpoint, tapi sebenernya perjalanan buat nyampe finish-nya juga masih jauh wkw. Nah terus apa relevansinya sama progress gue sekarang? Sekarang gue ngerasa lagi ada di checkpoint, gue udah setengah jalan ngejalanin kehidupan kuliah. Ibaratnya gue berhasil nyampe di titik di mana gue bisa istirahat bentar sambil nyusun strategi buat jalan lagi. Tapi ada yang bikin gue ngeri, karena gue udah nyampe di checkpoint, kalo gue mau respawn ya respwannya disini, bukan di titik start, yang artinya apa? Artinya gue udah gabisa balik lagi, gabisa puter balik, harus dilanjutin sampe finish. Walaupun gue capek udah ga ngerti lagi gimana buat ke garis finish tapi mau gamau harus gue selesein. Udah nyemplung ya harus dilanjutin sampe bisa mentas, kan?

Buset panjang bener yak intronya haha. Oke jadi disini intinya gue mau tulis semua yang gue alamin sebelum nyampe di checkpoint. Sebenernya gue udah beberapa kali berkeluh kesah sama orang-orang terdekat gue, cuman rasanya kalo ga gue tuangin semua disini kayak ada yang kurang. Dan gue pun belom pernah namanya self-appreciaton ke diri gue sendiri, so tulisan ini nanti bakal banyak praising diri gue dan mungkin banyak self-indulgencenya wkwkw. Yaudah lah ya mungkin gue masih belom sehebat orang lain, tapi tulisan ini emang gue tulis buat ngecompare diri gue sekarang dan diri gue sebelumnya, so it never tells about me vs everyone.

Sebelumnya gue udah pernah nulis harapan-harapan yang pengen gue capai selama di perkuliahan. Berangkat dari harapan-harapan itu ternyata banyak yang ga kerealisasi karena ada hal-hal yang tentu ngehambat gue Dari awal gue berharap bisa jadi orang yang lebih friendly dan bubbly gitu, soalnya sering gue dapet komplain, lo kok jutek banget sih kok judes banget sih kok diem aja sih. First of all, default muka gue udah kek gitu ya T-T. Apalagi kalo gue cuman diem bengong gitu udah keliatan juteknya. Gue nyoba buat approach orang-orang tapi gabisa, gue ngerasa left out kek gue ga ngerti apa yang dibahas dan kalaupun gue ngerti gue ga tertarik bahas gituan T-T. Gue terlalu picky dan berujung ga punya temen wkwk. Bener-bener shock hati dan pikiran gue. Selama SD sampe SMA gue selalu dipertemukan dengan orang-orang yang se-interest, yang punya hobi sama, yang punya kesukaan sama. Tapi boom, pas masuk kuliah gila ya gue berasa sendirian banget, berasa gue asing banget, berasa gue orang aneh, berasa gue salah lingkungan. Gue inget banget waktu itu gue pernah dipojokan kelas nonton haikyuu sendirian soalnya gaada energi sama sekali buat ngobrol sama orang baru. Bener-bener ditarik dari comfort zone sama Tuhan rasanya. Mungkin itu caranya Tuhan buat ngingetin gue supaya bisa adaptasi di lingkungan yang 100% asing buat gue, lo ga boleh pilih-pilih, apa yang ada sekarang itu yang lo adepin. Deep down tentu gue mellow ya, ya kali kehidupan kuliah gue bakal sehampa ini. Tapi gue juga sadar gue gabisa maksain buat nyiptain sirkel yang sesuai kemauan gue, bikin sirkel zhongli simp, bikin sirkel fujoshit, gabisa anjir. Yaudah lah ya, atleast gue masih punya lingkungan lain buat ketawa-ketiwi, buat sharing interest gue. Huft. Pun gue juga gabisa bener-bener sendirian buat survive di perkuliahan, namanya juga makhluk sosial kan, ngeri juga kalo gue mati sendirian di kos trus gaada yang tahu T-T. At least gue punya temen curhat, temen berprogress, temen main, that's ok, even it's just 1 or 2. I think i still can survive, and here i am sampe di titik ini alhamdulillah bisa survive,

Nah karena gue gamau kehidupan kuliah gue hampa banget, akhirnya gue mutusin buat fokus berprogress aja selama kuliah. Gue ikutan BEM karena gue rindu suasana latihan debat pas waktu SMA wkwkw. Pas banget ada biro yang sejalan lah sama debat, yang butuh research dan speaking. Di periode pertama sih so far so good karena gue udah punya temen yang emang kenal sebelum masuk BEM, jadinya ga berasa sendirian doang disana. Selain itu, gue juga emang suka sama kerjaan gue di BEM ini. Semester 2 gue sempet terlena, karena masih awal online kan, gue jadinya main terus kek gapernah belajar pas meet juga tidur terus alhasil ip gue pas-pasan banget wkwk. Padahal anak-anak lain di semester 2 ip nya pada melejit. Tapi yaudah lah ya, pas semester 3 gue tobat deh dikit-dikit. Semester 3 ini lumayan hecticnya di praktikum kali ya, ga sedikit yang bikin gue sambat mulu ke temen gue. Pasti ada hambatan yang bikin gue mau meledak rasanya. Cuman nih ya, setelah gue ngerasain gimana semester 4, semester 3 gue kek ga ada apa-apanya anjir. Lingkungan gue di semester 3 masih kooperatif walaupun kadang emang ada yang bikin agak effort, istilahnya masih bisa gue atasin tanpa ngorbanin kerjaan personal gue lah.

Di akhir semester 3 ini gue sempet dibikin bimbang buat lanjut BEM apa kaga, soalnya temen gue mutusin buat ga lanjut. Sedih sih tapi gue juga gaada hak buat maksa mereka lanjut. Karena gue tipikal orang yang gabisa bikin keputusan sendiri, alhasil gue tanya-tanya dulu pendapat ke orang-orang terdeket. Nah akhirnya dapet keputusan, oke deh gue lanjut dengan asumsi temen-temen BEM pasti bakal saling bantu, gue gabakal kerja sendirian gitu lah. Dan gue ga nyesel, bakal ada berapa banyak pelajaran hidup yang gue lewatin kalo pas itu mutusin ga lanjut wkwk.

Tapi sayangnya, semua ga berjalan semulus itu. Di awal semester 4 gue kena musibah dimana gue harus pindah kelas. Overthinking? pasti. Tapi kalo gue inget-inget lagi gue udah sering apa-apa sendiri, jadi gue awalnya yakin bisa jadi lone wolf. Untungnya gue ada temen di kelas baru itu, cuman ya itu kelompok praktikum gue bikin nangis darah banget. Jadi bener-bener semester 4 kemaren beban dan tanggung jawab gue seabrek. Karena gue udah kebiasa ngeorganize tugas kelompok, gue pede aja things will work as what i want. Tapi ternyata enggak! Rasanya kek bener-bener diadepin sama realita perkuliahan. Handling people ga semudah itu ternyata, ngebackup everything itu bikin capek. Baru semester 4 ini gue presentasi dengan suara yang trembling wkwk. Baru kali ini gue telat kumpul tugas, dan sekalinya telat langsung telat 3 tugas, bayangin! And one of it adalah tugas individu. Iya, keteteran gue. Di saat yang sama gue juga ngerjain tugas di BEM, gue jadi ketua panitia proker. Anjir emang dah ngurusin TOR tuh mau nangis gue ya gusti. Dicecer pertanyaan sama wakil dekan tuh ajib juga rasanya. Dari itu semua gue cuman bisa pasrah dan bersyukur. Pasrah dalam artian ya kalo emang harus dikerjain ya gue kerjain, dan kalau emang ada something wrong yaudah mau gimana lagi cuman bisa dijadiin evaluasi lagi buat kedepannya. Trus kok masih bisa beryukur? Gue bersyukur masih ada orang yang mau denger keluh kesah gue, masih ada yang bantu urusan gue. Tentu ada pelajaran yang gue dapet. Gue jadi lebih bisa handle things, gue bisa ningkatin work-ethic, bisa tahu berbagai macam tipikal orang, ningkatin skill komunikasi, dan yang paling penting adalah gue diajarin gimana caranya buat stay positive di case se-worst apapun. Bayangin dah tuh gue waktunya presentasi pertama dan pptnya belom jadi, dosennya udah ada di zoom. Gilak nangis ga lo mana yang kebagian ngerjain kaga bisa dihubungin. Tapi pas itu dewi fortuna bener-bener mihak gue, urutan presentasinya dibalik. Fyuh, tapi tetep aja telat ngumpul. Trus ya pas event pertama gue, h-5 menit pematerinya kaga bisa dihubungin. Udah dihubungin hari-hari sebelumnya. Bisa apa gue? ya cuman bisa pasrah. Tapi akhirnya si dosen ini dateng juga. Sumpah bu, bener-bener bikin saya tremor loh. Dan ya. in the end things eventually work. Emang Tuhan kalo ngajak bercanda suka kebangetan.

Dengan kerjaan-kerjaan basic itu gue masih ngerasa kurang. Gue udah mutusin buat berprogress, dan itu harus gue realisasiin. Walaupun hasilnya sering ga sesuai ekspektasi, tapi yang namanya pengalaman itu gaada harganya. So ya, nothing to lose. Dimana ada kesempatan buat berprogress, sebisa mungkin gue ambil. Waktu itu gue nyoba ikutan lomba poster tapi belom dikasih iya sama Tuhan. Gapapa lah coba lagi ntar (tapi sekarang udah males kalo desain-desain mah wkw) Lanjut lagi gue nyoba ikutan PKM dan wow gue lolos dapet insentif. Lanjut lagi gue ikutan lomba bikin video, syukur bisa menang hehe. Lanjut lagi sekarang nunggu kabar baik debat PIMFI gue. Kalo ada diskusi-diskusi gue juga nyoba ikutan buat nambah-nambah insight. Dan lagi-lagi gue dapet pelajaran. Apa yang gue capai selama ini semata-mata bukan cuman usaha gue sendiri. Gue gabisa achieve itu sendirian, gue masih butuh orang lain. Bersyukur banget bisa dipertemukan temen-temen yang mendorong gue buat berprogress <3 Alhamdulillah lagi ip gue masih terselamatkan. Walaupun emang turun, tapi itu udah beyond my expectation banget sih kalo gue pertimbangin kegiatan-kegiatan lain juga gue capai.

Mungkin pengalaman gue sebenernya masih basic banget tapi yaudah lah ya, gue lari-larian kek gitu juga buat bersaing sama diri gue sendiri bukan bersaing sama orang lain hehe. Dengan situasi-situasi hectic yang gue alamin, masih gue sempetin buat main tentunya. Ya kali gue kerja terus dah kek budak aja lo. Kalau ada waktu ya bakal gue gunain buat main, entah itu jalan keluar sama cowo gue, coop genshin sama temen gue, atau gue manfaatin buat tidur siang. Jompo banget dah gue pake tidur siang segala wkwk.

Ada sedikit side story yang bikin semester 4 gue semakin ngenes. Cowo gue emang orang utama yang jadi tempat gue sharing, tempat utama buat gue mau seneng-seneng. But sadly, gue putus di akhir-akhir semester 4. Sempet bikin mental gue terguncang tentunya, 4 tahun pacaran tolong, tapi gue gaada waktu lama-lama buat sedih. Gue lebih sedih karena harus ngebackup kerjaan orang. Pelan-pelan gue bisa coping dengan kehidupan romansa gue, ya walaupun sebenernya gue butuh someone yang will always stay by my side. Tapi yaudah lah ya, mau gimana lagi.

That's it. Kehectican gue selama kuliah yang mostly terjadinya di semester 4, yang bikin gue pengen cabut ke dunia lain. But somehow gue bisa survive. I know it's tiring but it's worth my time. The experience i could never felt if i stay on my comfort zone, it priceless. Buat selanjutnya, semoga gue segera dapet kabar baik yang ditunggu-tunggu. Gue juga penasaran Tuhan bakal nguji gue kek gimana lagi. Gue barharap juga biar bisa selalu see positive things in every possible worst case. Semangat, you'll make it to the finish line with the best result!

Oh iya kelupaan, gue juga berharap segera dapet cowo baru dah, butuh support system banget ini gue astaga. Haha.

Agustus 27, 2021 2 komentar

Juni 21, 2021 No komentar

There's a lot of ideas that came from a philosopher or even a singer. Though some people only read the ideas for widening their insight, there are also people who got influenced by that. Moreover, it can lead to how people would live their life. I've read some philosophies from philosophers which I found interesting. One of my favorite philosophers is Friedrich Nietzsche, a german philosopher. His idea which blows my mind is "To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering". I've written an article about it. But, that's not the idea that never leaves my mind. Sometimes, I found that some ideas can't be applied in every situation. So, which one always manifests in my mind?

Love Yourself

This idea is simple yet so hard to reach. No, is not about being a narcissist or self-centered. This idea is simply to show you how to appreciate the life you live. We aren't manifesting just one side of our character. We, at least, have two sides of ourselves. Jung, a philosophist, has his theory that self is constructed with persona, shadow, ego, and anima. Persona is the character we display in public and shadow is somehow the character we denied. So basically, we wear a mask called persona in public, and shadow is the thing we never want someone to know. Someone may talk a lot in public but being so silent on some occasions. Someone may look so though yet fragile too. Someone may look arrogant yet also has low self-esteem. So which one is ourselves? Should we feel ashamed of our dark side? The self is everything we have manifested, whether it is the persona or shadow. Of course, no one would always stand for us. As I said before, we hide our shadow because we don't want to betray someone's expectation of us. We would overthink that it might lead someone to hate us if they see our shadow, and of course, they will, or at least they will look at us differently. It makes us feel burdened, who else will love ourselves if it's not you yourself. The key to having a peaceful life is to accept that we always have a flaw, we indeed are not perfect and we are not forced to be. Our shadow, our persona, sum up to our personalities. We should know that and not feel ashamed about it, because who will accept it then? No one! What I can learn from this idea is we have to deal with many sides of our character. It's okay to show a different self depends on who and what situation we are in. We have flaws, we have strength, sometimes we show the flaws, and sometimes the strength. The problem is when we overthink that someone might hate us and we can't enjoy the life we live in. It's okay to show your good sides, and it's okay too to take a rest as long as we don't harm our surroundings. In conclusion, we should love ourselves by accepting our flaws, accepting our different sides, so we can achieve serenity in life.

Januari 17, 2021 No komentar

Januari 09, 2021 3 komentar

I used to hate the "just be yourself" words the most. I don't know why some people used that as their way of life. Is it just me who finds that it's impossible to be the "real" you? or is it because I don't know who am I? who the hell am I? they said "being yourself", I would say "which self?" How could you know which is your true self? I probably won't find an answer for my whole life. Somehow I understand that it's just simple words, yet I can't comprehend at all. Do all people living like that?

I discovered there are 4 souls manifested to construct ourselves. This theory came from Jung, a philosophist, and I know that theory from BTS albums. They used this theory to write their songs. We manifested 4 souls which are persona, ego, anima, and shadow. Being yourself means that you overcame those 4 aspects. And what would you expect? should we show our dark side to the public? should we remain cheered up when we were broken? Which of it the "real" you?

By saying to "be yourself", that just means we were degrading what self is. We are constructed with various sides. The one who you want to be, the one who people want you to be, the one that you love, the one that you create, the one that smiles, the one that cried, are breathing vividly through yourself (i'm quoting RM's lines on persona) At some point, I ever thought that saying "be yourself" is just an excuse. You, yourself, should know how to behave in every kind of situation and of course manifesting just one soul would be hard on you.

What I tried to point out here is, it's okay to be a bright person or everything and it's okay too, to ever feel sorrow in some situations. Your trauma, your sadness, your dreams, your happiness, are all validated. The brightest person you know maybe cried all night long before they sleep, and by knowing that, how would you say? Which is the true self? Being yourself is a simple sentence yet I can't find how to do that? I live as myself, this is my self, the persona I show to the public, the shadow that I overcame with, those are myself. And what so pity about that?

Rather than "being yourself", I would choose "love yourself" instead.

notes: apparently, bts new album is rumored to be "be yourself" agenda. i deadass don't know where they would go with that like dude??? i discovered map of the soul from you??? but okay I'll try to listen to what they wanna say. i hope they shared the same thought as me, or can they re-defining what's the meaning of "be yourself" that i can accept? they have many songs that got me survived the hell i live, i hope their new album would be like that too.

November 06, 2020 No komentar